ashle22

09:33 pm

I'm trying so hard to focus on ME. TO love myself despite my other opinions that often take over my head.  To take it one hour at a time and try to just be healthy.  I've been eating "normal" most days over 1000 then i get depressed and eat stupid things like chips and cookies--- like I did  tonight after already eating normal all day.. lol why is this a big deal!? A LOT of people do that.. I cant let that control how i feel and how i treat myself.. I just don't understand why my thoughts are so consuming. but i cant let that control me!!!

I really am doing well considering other attempts to be "normal"

my best friend here is helping a lot.. i pretty much told her everything.. making it much harder to lie my way through things..


life is exciting. it should be exciting.. i need to get back on the track that lives and doesnt hide and is consumed by a disorder.

Current Mood: nauseated

01:45 am

hey sexy this is mainly for you :)
im trying to be content also.. kinda been dating this guy which has been alright.. but it also makes me feel so not good enough or something. i dont know really how to explain it.. esp bc he seems kinda off and on ya know.. and it really really hard for me to let my self get close to anyone.. so yeah this should be easy and normal but its so hard for me for some reason! ha im trying!

as far as um eating goes i just feel like i cant do it anymore!! ive been trying so hard. .and ive gained a few pounds which im tryin to not let that depress me.. its so hard to just not take control of it.. but seriously one day at a time.. ive def been eating everyday.. and several binges.. and ive kinda been drinking too much... is this normal? im still dragging myself to the gym n stuff.. im trying to be content with everything!!! I think about you a lot n love you n hope you are well :) :) :)

LOVE YOU!

Current Mood: calm

02:29 pm

ahh i dont know whats wrong with me.. im pretty depressed.. i seriously need to just shake it off... i need something to be happy about.. i will never lose enough weight to make me happy.. or will i? I think i am placing too much of my happiness into what i look like.. how shallow is that?! 

miss u nel! Hope you had a good day.. i have to go to work now.. i really dont wanna go but hopefully i make some money!

Current Mood: discontent

12:42 am

*sigh*

I think i will never be in a normal relationship! OK so the hottest coolest guy ever right.. we hung out tonight after much persuasion from him.. i never think im good enough so it took a few ppl to tell me "omg he likes you" for me to realize huh maybe he likes me.. so we hung out tonight.. but i had to eat dinner.. and a blizzard came in and so every restaurant we tried to go to was closed.. so we went to his house and he ordered pizza. i havent eaten pizza in so long.. soo gross. i tried so hard not to panic.. i almost cried! WHAT is WRONG with me! i couldnt even enjoy hanging out with him bc i just felt so disgusting after eating pizza AND mixed drinks that he made(like margaritas or something!!)... omg def consumed over 1000.. i tried so hard to enjoy myself.. he even kissed me and all i could think about was how fat i felt and i hope he doesnt try to touch me

will i ever let anyone in enough to love me!? why why do i push everyone away and let this control me? why did i feel like crying bc i had to eat food and hang out with an incredible guy? why cant i be normal!

:( i feel like a baby complaining.. but i really do want a boyfriend. or i want to atleast be able to enjoy myself when im with a really cool guy. what is wrong with me.

Current Mood: cranky

11:53 pm

i actually had a pretty good day.. i mean duh i had to eat n stuff and i almost had a panic attack when everyone started coming over bc i HATe eating in front of that many ppl but.. it wasnt that bad!! K so one of the girls that came over i know she is mia.. we talked about it a long time ago but i never really told her about the road ive been down n stuff.. and well today of course that is the only place left to sit is next to her and well she barely touched her food! but i was sitting next to my aunt who knows soo i had to continually take bites of something ya know.. i mainly ate turkey and green beans so i really didnt feel bad about eating it.. it was just so hard bc the mia girl went to the bathroom for like 7 minutes after we ate and when she came out her hair was pulled back and her face was red and she kept rubbing her nose... n i dont want to think these are all signs.. but duh. that was the hardest part.. i felt like that was in my face so i wanted to purge so bad.. but i dont want to go back there really. so i just sat and drank water and had coffee while everyone was eating desert. im actually hungry right now i dont feel miserably full.. im really glad today is over though.

love you sexies.

Current Mood: calm

10:53 pm

TO MY FAVORITE SEXY(nel u know who you are ;)

when your sad im sad

when your happy im happy

i heart you with all of my heart

n i wish i could take everything away from you n make it all better

you've become such a great friend.. n im so sad you dont know how amazing you really truly are! you have seriously inspired me to be just a good person in general and to not get carried away with different things..

just take whatever time you need to take care of my favorite sexy..

loves it

loves you

ash

Current Mood: worried

11:09 am

AAAAAAHHHHHHH

BLIZZARD TODAY

yep not going anywhere.. i wanna work out so bad.. like a good one... i guess i can do some stuff around here but i wnna do some good cardio today ehh

i just have to try to not eat all day.. i need distractions and i cant leave my house!! 
as of right now im hungry so hopefully i can keep this feeling


BLAH

Current Mood: n cold

02:07 pm

yeah sooo i baked a lot yesterday... i love cooking and not eating.. i did pretty well. but when i was putting it together today to take to people i had to try it. a little more... lol

thats ok not eating anything else today except for coffee bc its freezing today!!
 i do have to work tonight so the challenge that is ahead of me is to not go out with friends!!!

HAVE to do welll

have to have to!!!
im tired of losing control

Current Mood: blah

07:42 pm

omg

soooo i wasn't answering my phone on purpose bc IM not drinking or going out to dinner or anything stupid that will make me feel like crap.. i had 12 missed calls from my friend so i call her back and she is on her way over with food and drink.

When she first told me i was like no.. and she was like ashley shut up im coming over i havent seen you in days.

lol why why why doo i have to "see" ( as in see i mean--Hang out/drink/eat) people everday


ahhhhhh

k had to let that out.. im off to dodge food and drink with all my might.. i already fing ate today!!!!!

Current Mood: cranky

09:51 am

TWO DAY FAST!!!

I'm excited.. still drinking too much.. sooo yesterday i drank before and during and after work.. omg lol. BUT today I should be able to say no for sure!!! mY goal is to dodge ph calls and friends like crazy..and i dont have to work tonight so i wont have to see those friends.. such bad influences.. haha.

9 days till christmas-- i want to lose ten pounds by then. i weighed today and i gained (or im just bloated) from my recent drinking.

Current Mood: busy

01:16 pm

I feel like I should get applause for "acting" like i eat sometimes.. lol

today my roomate was cooking and eating (BIG surprise i know) so i went in the kitchen and pulled out an apple which i then cut into a hundred peices and ate some of it and then i toasted an english muffin and took a couple bites of it.. the whole time talking and acting so interested in what she was saying.. then she went to get ready and i threw away my food and now im here.. i love it.

*takes a bow*

NO more eating today.. im not even hungry..
THe major dodge will be alcohol tonight.. ive already had a few ppl call and invite me different places tonight.. i need to stay strong and not drink or eat tonight!!!

Current Mood: happy

12:18 am

i need to:
1. stop drinking every flipping day
2. stop eating after i drink every day
3.try to live "healthy" for one day

these are my goals for the next few days!

Current Mood: guilty

06:10 pm

whats up SLC whores.. I cant believe i missed out on the action!! hahahaha i CAN NOT believe so many ppl were offended NeLz! wow i have never been so proud! hahahaha
OKK I have to go to my friends house for dinner since i skipped out on lunch with her yesterday.. BUT there are going to be a lot of ppl there soo i hope i can dodge alll of the food!! and maybe just have like one drink and complain about being full or sick or something like that haha.. hate the excuses but they work so whatev.
alright sexies hope we can stir things up tonight and J-ho-dan I promise i wont come home wasted and call you and be a bitch all around haha
even though that was so much fun

love you all
think thin
become thin

hunger hurts but starving does NOT make you fat :)

Current Mood: amused

02:19 am

Im sorry KING... i didn't succed in my fast today.. so you knew about the lunch i had to have today bc i already planned it right.. well i pretty much got away with just eating lettuce so that didnt really make me feel bad.. and i had some black coffee so whatev i love coffee.. and then i had to work tonight and i had to train and i get a free meal for training and well i gave it to someone else but they gave me a bite and i wasnt even thinking! I KNOW how could i go one second without thinking and then i gave in and went out tonight and had a drink.. only like 20-30 cal though so i think im under 100 for the day which is almost a fast haha.. tomorrow is gonna rock though i wont let you down.. im jealous you made it through the day but also SO proud :) GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!

09:41 pm - Food Network

Is anyone else obsessed with watching food network? I could lay in bed and watch it all day. How can I love and hate food with such passion lol..

Current Mood: amused